4 Ways to Help Grieving People
It is important to remember that grief has value. When someone grieves over losing a loved one, it means that person was valuable to them. I’ve heard it said, “the deeper the love, the deeper the grief.” In other words, when a person has loved deeply, they will also grieve deeply.
When there is a loss and the emptiness hurts, it is undeniable that this one that is missed had an impact. In a quiet and private way, sadness actually honors the loved one and their life that was so well lived.
Although there is this silver lining, it remains that the journey of grieve is arduous. We who are “helpers” have it within us to desire to support and encourage others who are walking “through the valley.” God always moves toward us, and as his servants, we must do the same. We need to move toward others, even when it’s hard. Grace should draw us toward each other to minister even when it seems that we are not wanted and that we have no words that we could possibly offer. After all, who wants to run the risk of saying something stupid at such a difficult time as this? But if we follow God’s way of pursuing, we find ourselves right there, in front of the suffering person. Now what? Well , first remember that if God gave you the grace to move toward that person, he will also give you a few precious words for them to receive.
When you are called to minister to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, here are 4 ways to help:
1 Move Toward Our society is not good at encouraging or even allowing people to grieve. Those who have suffered loss are encouraged to stay busy and get back to work, rather than taking the time to “walk through the valley.” As Christians, it seems that we have undo pressure on us not to grieve, but to celebrate that our loved one is in a better place. Although this may be theologically true, it does not negate the fact that we have suffered a great loss that needs to be mourned. Those who desire to “help,” should invite grieving people to tell their story and share their loss so that we can help them carry the weight of their burden.
2 Just “Be” Don’t feel the need to apply a scriptural band-aid to the “gushing wound.” Well-meaning attempts to offer biblical counsel at a time like this can often times be received as trite and not helpful. Grieving people just need us to “be” with them. Gently offering to pray for them or asking if there is a particular scripture that they would like for you to read to them might be better received.
3 Give Grace Those who have experienced significant loss will all grieve differently. We need to give grace and allow each one to walk the path of their own grief journey. The timeline and course of their journey may not look like we think it should look, but it’s not ours to define! For some, the journey may take longer and go deeper than for others. As helpers, we need to remember that grief is a difficult but very significant teacher. Allow your loved one to grow and learn through the experience of losing; in their time, not yours.
4 Walk Beside As important as it is to give grieving people adequate time and space to grieve, it is equally important to not enable our loved ones to “get stuck’ in their grief. Getting stuck in grief occurs when we get comfortable in the patterns of grief, without dealing with the pain and moving toward health and healing. Walking beside and encouraging our grieving loved ones to lean into the “work of grief” (when they are ready) is a loving way for us to help.
What's the Vibe at Your House?
Anywhere there are people, there is culture. This culture, or vibe, is a palpable feeling you get when you walk into a space. This space may be a church, a school an office, a business or a home. Great culture in any organization fosters growth, success and loyalty. Have you considered the fact that that this is also true for your home??
It is true! Every home has a unique culture, but not every home created their culture on purpose. Many (I would daresay most) have drifted into their culture...the cultural “vibe” defaulting to simply being the by-product of the way things are done and the behaviors that have become acceptable.
Steven Blandino, author of Creating Your Church’s Culture, said “When you don’t think strategically about what you do, the by-product is usually a mediocre (or even toxic) culture.” I am certainly not intimating that the culture in your home is mediocre! I think that you are probably doing a lot of things really well!!! What I am saying is that we need to be intentional about creating the culture of our homes, at the risk of settling into a culture at home that doesn’t represent who we want to be...
So, you might be asking, “How do I/we get intentional about creating culture?”
“The single biggest factor determining whether an organization is going to get healthier-or not-is the genuine commitment and active involvement of the person in charge...At every step in the process, the leader must be out front, not just as a cheerleader or a figurehead, but as an active, tenacious driver.”
~Patrick Lenioni
With that quote in mind, let’s talk about the steps to an intentionally designed culture at your house...
#1 Lead your family
Recognize that you, as the leader of your home, are responsible for setting the tone and driving the culture. Yes, the “vibe” of your home is on your plate!
Now what?
Knowing that highly successful cultures are laden with ”belonging cues,” start by connecting with your family and making sure that they know that they are all invaluable and an important part of this family and are valued for who they are (not for what they do.)
Offer the family consistent coaching. This family of yours is special; and it’s a good thing to have high standards. AND, as you establish those high standards for your loved ones, let them know that you believe that they can reach those standards! As a matter of fact, this kind of feedback is almost magical. Saying to someone , “I am giving you this feedback (coaching you) because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them” actually causes their brain to “light up” and recognize that this is a safe place to give effort!!!
Communicating is also key, and words (both spoken and received) go a long way to help others feels valuable. It is important to remind the family, as a group, has a God-given purpose, and each member has an important role to play...it makes a difference if each person does their part, and it matters if even one doesn’t.
Knowing that highly successful cultures are laden with ”belonging cues,” start by connecting with your family and making sure that they know that they are all invaluable and an important part of this family and are valued for who they are (not for what they do.)
#2 Establish your family’s values
Take charge of what you want the culture of your home to look like. Begin by determining your family’s core values.
Your family’s values should reflect who you are and what drives you. They represent the fabric of who you are; your very DNA. Every family is different and unique, and will develop their own core values, but here is an example of some core values that a family might embrace.
We are:
Christ-Centered (Col 3:3&4)
“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”
Anchored in the Bible (Col 3:16)
“Let the word of God dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.”
Relationally-Focused (Col 3:12-14)
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Excellence-Driven (Col 3:23&24)
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
In other words, we are:
…a Colossians 3 family and we CARE about God and His Word. We CARE about others. And we CARE about doing everything with excellence and being the best that we can be for His glory!
After establishing your family’s core values, you then begin to identify behaviors and practices that embody the core values...
So, back to our example, from the 4 core values we then identify expected behaviors:
Christ-Centered means that we're striving to become more like Jesus. (Servant Leader)
Anchored in the Bible means that we're actively studying and applying the word of God to our lives...We'll have a positive spirit, open to God and his word, which will promote my “best self.” (Positive Attitude)
Anchored in the Bible means that we're actively studying and applying the word of God to our lives...We'll have a positive spirit, open to God and his word, which will promote my “best self.” (Positive Attitude)
Relationally-focused means that we will be active listeners; engaged with and focused on others. (Love, Respect & Kindness) Excellence driven means that we're having fun while working hard. Fun inspires creativity and learning and we will not be afraid to fail, because when we failing, we will also learn. (Work Hard/Have Fun)
Excellence-driven means that we're having fun while working hard. Fun inspires creativity and learning and we will not be afraid to fail, because when we failing, we will also learn. (Work Hard/Have Fun)
....and, lastly, we begin to ”build a language” that is known and understood by all. One way to “build a language” is to create “catch phrases.”
In this example we came up with 4 things to “BE” or practice...your family, of course, will come up with your own behaviors to focus on. We developed our practices out of the behaviors that we are looking for....
Servant Leadership Be passionate aka “pumped”
Godly attitude Be Positive
Respect & Kindness Be Present
Work Hard/Have Fun Be Productive
The main thing is to have fun with it! Make it catchy, age appropriate and easy to remember!
Notice that they all start with a “p” and they’re all actions/something to “BE.”
#3 “Be” (embody) your family’s culture
As the leader of your family, you have to embody the values, behaviors and practices that you expect to see in others...you are the DNA!
And then you have to help others to embody it too!
Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, said ”If you can’t energize others, you can’t be the leader.”
I know that it is tempting to think of our home as a place to relax and refresh, but we cannot relax in our responsibility to our home and family. Deuteronomy 11:18-21 reminds us that the Lord calls us to be diligent in teaching our children:
“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds, (live it & model it) tie them as symbols (provide visuals) on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them (teach with words) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.”
We parents need to model a life that is passionate about following Christ, provide visual images of what it looks like to be a Christ-follower, and teach God’s word with our words to our children. This is the high calling that is ours when we are given the gift of children. They are our treasure and deserve our best effort! They deserve our passion and our presence and our best attitude and effort!
8 Wellness Tips for Quarantine
8 Wellness Tips
for Quarantine
During this strange and stormy season of pandemic and quarantine, it is easy to feel alone and fearful of the future. Having spent ample time with friends, family and counselees where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope with virus-related fears and anxiety, I decided to make a short list of wellness tips that I hope is helpful to all.
We can't control a lot of what is going on right now, but we can certainly help and encourage one another through word and deed!
In an effort to add to what everyone knows about hand washing and social distancing to help reduce the spread of the Coronavirus, I’d like to add a few suggestions (a few tips) to help us all deal with the stress associated with this pandemic in a healthy way. Let’s challenge ourselves and each other to stretch and grow in every way during quarantine; taking the time to reflect on what is really important in our lives!
#1 Stay positive. While the coronavirus threatens your physical health, the “virus” of negative thinking can threaten your mind-set and attitude. Right now, it’s more critical than ever to guard your heart and mind. Instead of allowing your outlook to be invaded by pessimism, anger, or fear, consider your blessings and be thankful!
#2 Reach out to others. Social distancing doesn’t mean you have to be isolation. Reach out to your friends and family and talk and connect via phone or FaceTime, Google Hang-out, Zoom, or whatever format you prefer to reach out to your loved ones. With all of the technology we have at our fingertips, make use of your social network so, even though you have to keep your distance, you don’t feel alone and isolated.
#3 Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Reach out to a neighbor who may need help. Be mindful if you have a neighbor who may be in the “at-risk” population. If you are heading out to the store, ask them if they need anything that you can pick up for them. This will not only help them, it will also help you. Simple acts like these can go a long way and will also make all of us feel better.
#4 Move your body. During stressful times something as simple as going outside and taking a brisk walk can help you relax, boost your mood and help you in managing your stress levels. Some form of exercise for 30 minutes each day is a great goal!
#5 Eat healthfully. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well. We find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and/or avoiding food. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and maybe even challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!
#6 Stick to a routine and get enough sleep. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time. Create a schedule for yourself that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.
#7 Watch the news in moderation. While it is important to stay informed and up to date on the latest information about the Coronavirus, too much information adds to our stress levels. The repetitive nature of the news reports is not good for our mental health. Once you are informed, turn off the news and do something that you enjoy; read a book, play a game, or watch a good television show or feel-good movie.
#8 Pour out your anxieties to your Father in Heaven. Don’t fret inside your own heart with worries about employment, travel plans, economic downturns, or the potentially infected surfaces you’ve touched! When you are afraid, turn to him. Cast your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. In fact, let handwashing or rubbing on hand sanitizer become a moment in which you consciously entrust yourself and the future of everyone you care about into his hands.
Remember that with intentional focus and proper care we will navigate the tumultuous waters of this peculiar season! Will you join me as I pray that I’ll not only get through this COVID-19 crises, but that I’ll rise to the challenge of becoming a better person in the process!
Most importantly, know that being anxious at a time like this is a completely normal response. However, should the stress become too much for you to take, please seek professional help if necessary.
Do You Dread Going To School?
Anyone who has ever worked in an unhealthy organization (and most of us have,) knows the misery of dealing with endless dysfunction, politics, and confusion on a daily basis. It’s exhausting! As a matter of fact, toxic workplace stress is downright bad for your health.
People who work in unhealthy organizations eventually come to see work as a drudgery, think success is unlikely (even out of their control) and feel their value is diminished. This pattern of thinking and feeling badly about yourself can quickly leak beyond the walls of the company where you work , and into your family where it often contributes to personal problems, the effects of which can be felt for years!
Workplace stress, as a result of unhealthy culture, can also manifest itself in actual physical symptoms and ailments including headaches, chest pain, high blood pressure, stomach ailments, and insomnia, just to name a few.
Culture is the key to moving your organization toward health; and have I mentioned that the development of the workplace culture is the leader’s paramount responsibility? Leadership cannot delegate culture, but has been charged to define it, refine it, model it and massage it.
I am not suggesting a “soft” workplace with less pressure or lower expectations, but rather a culture within the workplace that supports employees so that they are able to withstand and thrive despite the intense demands.
This kind of culture can be created by:
First, creating a leadership team built on the solid foundation of trust
-AND-
Second, creating clarity and alignment leaving little room for confusion and/or disorder.
The creation of a strong, healthy, positive school culture is imperative for learning and growth to take place, and is the foundation for every other educational initiative to stand on.
Prioritize the development of your healthy school culture today!
4 Tips to Help You Get "Unstuck" in Your (Work) Relationships
“Most of the things that stop us aren’t things that we can’t do, but things we refuse to learn.”
― James Woosley,
Are you feeling stuck? In your organization, team, or even in your personal relationships? Chances are the reason for this may be 1 or 2 “critical conversations” that you are not having or at the very least, not having well. The truth is, dramatic improvements in organizational performance (and relationships) are possible when people learn the skills to master “high stakes” and “crucial” moments with conversation.
If crucial conversations are the key, then why do we many times say nothing when we notice problems, indiscretions or even injustices? Why don’t we step up and say the things we want or need to say?
According to the authors of the book Crucial Conversations, a conversation is “crucial” when the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions are strong. Many people dread this kind of conversation because past experience has taught them that if they are emotional and honest, bad things are likely to happen. As a result, they choose to clam up rather than speak up. Driven by the fear that it is politically unwise to disagree, they stuff their differing opinions and feelings. When the culture is defined by this type of silence, employees become unmotivated, disengaged and disinterested in their job and workplace and may begin to look for work elsewhere.
When leaders are equipped with the skills to handle sensitive and difficult issues, the best ideas are surfaced, teams achieve total buy-in on decisions, working relationships are strengthened and best results are achieved. The “elephants in the room” are confronted safely, carefully and respectfully.
Here are some quick tips for speaking your mind in a way that gets you heard, produces real results, and unlocks your future for success:
Reverse Your Thinking
Think about the risks of not speaking up rather than the risks of speaking up.
Be in Charge of Your Emotions
Stick to the facts, and don’t ascribe motives to others! Try to separate the people from the
problem.
3. Help Others Feel Safe
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Assure others of your positive intentions and your
respect for them. Intentionally build a foundation of trust in your relationships.
Invite dialogue
4. Create a safe environment
Confidently share your views, stick to the facts, and then invite differing opinions.
The Organizational Leader as CCO (Chief Cultural Officer)
I’ve heard it said that great culture attracts great people, and I would add that great culture keeps great people! If you desire your school to be a place with great culture, it has to start with you! The leader is the Chief Cultural Officer (CCO), role model and trust builder in the school family.
First, get a clear vision of what you want the culture to look like and then embody it. Write it down! Define it! Live it…and expect others to follow suit.
Second, you have to build trust within the community through genuine humility and connection with your leadership team, teachers, students, parents, and board. Respectfully listen to your people and they will feel valued.
Third, make sure everyone knows the school’s main purpose so that everyone is on the same page. Communicate, communicate, communicate the mission, vision, and goals of your school until you are sick of hearing yourself talk about it…it’s about then that people start to hear you! People want to be a part of an organization that has meaning and a higher purpose!
Your school’s culture can be one of the strongest forces for ensuring excellent academics and discipleship. But, in order to push toward the culture that you you dream of, you must have a clear vision of what that culture looks and feels like. As Zig Ziglar said, “If you aim at nothing, you hit it every time.”
3 Ways That Leaders Can Foster a Healthy Culture
Leadership is not just important in creating a healthy culture; it’s critical! The positive influence of the school leader can make the school a healthy and inviting place.
For many leaders, however, talking about culture is not a comfortable topic. In his book, The Advantage, Patrick Lencioni describes how many times leaders consider the health of their organization to be somewhat “soft” or “touchy-feely.” Many times, even if the leader understands the need to address some kind of dysfunction, more often than not, they gravitate right back to the parts of the business that they feel most comfortable with (usually areas like strategy, finance, marketing, technology, best practice, etc.) Most leaders spend upwards of 90% of their time in their “smart” bucket and feel unqualified and uninspired to put any effort or energy into the “healthy” bucket. Unfortunately, what leaders don’t recognize is that it is the healthy bucket that drives the smart bucket. Minimal politics, high moral, high productivity, and low turnover are all direct results of a great work environment and blows wind into the sail of the smart bucket!
If your school’s culture needs some attention, a great place to start is to take personal responsibility to invest in the health of your school. If you haven’t done so already, begin to think about how you will intentionally design your school’s culture. Here are three things you can do to begin to foster a healthy school environment:
#1 Encourage a “team mentality”
Create an environment in which people see themselves as part of a team, rather than a collection of individuals. You want your people to think in terms of “we” rather than “me.”
#2 Rally around the mission, vision & purpose of your school
Create an environment in which everyone is working towards the same things. When your people understand how they are contributing to the team’s goals, they are empowered with a sense of meaning.
#3 Embrace & Learn from your “customers”
Foster an environment in which customer experience is a primary consideration. In our Christian Schools, our customers are the families who are choosing to entrust us with their children, and we should treat them as part of our school’s team, considering both their feedback and expectations.
It takes a strong leader to bring about cultural change.
Do you have what it takes?
End Of The School Year "Angst"?
In my more recent interactions with educators, I am reminded of the “angst” that this time of year brings to teachers and administrators alike. As the anticipation of the end of another school year mounts, the level of excitement and enthusiasm for the promise of summer escalates. At the same time, teachers are getting weary and students are getting “squirrely.” It is “the perfect storm” and the chance of students making poor (and sometimes brainless) choices seems to be inevitable. As a teacher and guidance counselor in Christian schools for over 20 years, I remember praying (increasingly in the spring semester) that God would give us a calm and peaceful end to the school year. Sometimes we would be blessed with peace, and other times, not so much!
In the spirit of ministering to your heightened blood pressure and feelings of “losing it,” I’d like to offer some strategies for you to regain control of the challenges of your environment.
1 Go back to the basics.
Review with your students the agreed upon definitions of acceptable behavior and review the processes of “your space. “ A lot of time is spent on these things at the beginning of the school year, but it all seems to be forgotten as the end of the school year draws near.
2 Leverage the healthy bonds and relationships that you have been building with your students all year.
Remember, your students want to please you! Remind them often of what that looks like…
3 Send a constant stream of unambiguous signals to students about their roles & responsibilities…don’t let up!
Some schools (classroom teachers) allow individuals to decide their own “definition of the situation.” In other words, students are given the freedom to determine for themselves what the organization is about and how individuals should act in it. Effective schools (classrooms), however, suggest a clear, common “definition of the situation” defining, modeling and communicating the desired culture (for all constituents) relentlessly!
4 Keep the BIG PICTURE in mind…you are an educator because you love kids and want to see their full potential realized!
How’s Your Culture?
“Every company has a culture. The only question is whether or not you decide what it is.”
-Jason Cohen
Leadership has both the power and the responsibility to intentionally define and shape culture. In fact, if the leader doesn’t take charge of the culture, the culture will shape itself and be defined by tolerated behaviors and how people treat one another.
As we quickly approach the end of the school year, it’s a great time to evaluate your school’s culture. Am I defining it and driving it? What does a healthy Christian school culture look like? And how does my school measure up?
What can a school leader do to even begin to evaluate the health of their school culture?
Begin by asking some basic questions:
How would you describe your school?
Is it productive, upbeat and vibrant?
Or is it a dull, uninspired place that’s difficult to work in?
Make it your business to learn the condition of your school’s culture by:
Observing how people interact with each other.
Hold informal focus groups to learn employee perceptions of how the organization is operating
Gathering reliable data (ISM’s Faculty Culture Profile or The Best Christian Workplace Institute Survey are great data gathering tools.
As you make professional development plans for next school year, consider an investment in the foundation of your school’s culture. Best practice, curriculum planning, Bible-teaching, and even discipleship will all be for naught if they are not planted in the rich, fertile, cultivated soil of a healthy culture.
