What's the Vibe at Your House?
Anywhere there are people, there is culture. This culture, or vibe, is a palpable feeling you get when you walk into a space. This space may be a church, a school an office, a business or a home. Great culture in any organization fosters growth, success and loyalty. Have you considered the fact that that this is also true for your home??
It is true! Every home has a unique culture, but not every home created their culture on purpose. Many (I would daresay most) have drifted into their culture...the cultural “vibe” defaulting to simply being the by-product of the way things are done and the behaviors that have become acceptable.
Steven Blandino, author of Creating Your Church’s Culture, said “When you don’t think strategically about what you do, the by-product is usually a mediocre (or even toxic) culture.” I am certainly not intimating that the culture in your home is mediocre! I think that you are probably doing a lot of things really well!!! What I am saying is that we need to be intentional about creating the culture of our homes, at the risk of settling into a culture at home that doesn’t represent who we want to be...
So, you might be asking, “How do I/we get intentional about creating culture?”
“The single biggest factor determining whether an organization is going to get healthier-or not-is the genuine commitment and active involvement of the person in charge...At every step in the process, the leader must be out front, not just as a cheerleader or a figurehead, but as an active, tenacious driver.”
~Patrick Lenioni
With that quote in mind, let’s talk about the steps to an intentionally designed culture at your house...
#1 Lead your family
Recognize that you, as the leader of your home, are responsible for setting the tone and driving the culture. Yes, the “vibe” of your home is on your plate!
Now what?
Knowing that highly successful cultures are laden with ”belonging cues,” start by connecting with your family and making sure that they know that they are all invaluable and an important part of this family and are valued for who they are (not for what they do.)
Offer the family consistent coaching. This family of yours is special; and it’s a good thing to have high standards. AND, as you establish those high standards for your loved ones, let them know that you believe that they can reach those standards! As a matter of fact, this kind of feedback is almost magical. Saying to someone , “I am giving you this feedback (coaching you) because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them” actually causes their brain to “light up” and recognize that this is a safe place to give effort!!!
Communicating is also key, and words (both spoken and received) go a long way to help others feels valuable. It is important to remind the family, as a group, has a God-given purpose, and each member has an important role to play...it makes a difference if each person does their part, and it matters if even one doesn’t.
Knowing that highly successful cultures are laden with ”belonging cues,” start by connecting with your family and making sure that they know that they are all invaluable and an important part of this family and are valued for who they are (not for what they do.)
#2 Establish your family’s values
Take charge of what you want the culture of your home to look like. Begin by determining your family’s core values.
Your family’s values should reflect who you are and what drives you. They represent the fabric of who you are; your very DNA. Every family is different and unique, and will develop their own core values, but here is an example of some core values that a family might embrace.
We are:
Christ-Centered (Col 3:3&4)
“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”
Anchored in the Bible (Col 3:16)
“Let the word of God dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.”
Relationally-Focused (Col 3:12-14)
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Excellence-Driven (Col 3:23&24)
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
In other words, we are:
…a Colossians 3 family and we CARE about God and His Word. We CARE about others. And we CARE about doing everything with excellence and being the best that we can be for His glory!
After establishing your family’s core values, you then begin to identify behaviors and practices that embody the core values...
So, back to our example, from the 4 core values we then identify expected behaviors:
Christ-Centered means that we're striving to become more like Jesus. (Servant Leader)
Anchored in the Bible means that we're actively studying and applying the word of God to our lives...We'll have a positive spirit, open to God and his word, which will promote my “best self.” (Positive Attitude)
Anchored in the Bible means that we're actively studying and applying the word of God to our lives...We'll have a positive spirit, open to God and his word, which will promote my “best self.” (Positive Attitude)
Relationally-focused means that we will be active listeners; engaged with and focused on others. (Love, Respect & Kindness) Excellence driven means that we're having fun while working hard. Fun inspires creativity and learning and we will not be afraid to fail, because when we failing, we will also learn. (Work Hard/Have Fun)
Excellence-driven means that we're having fun while working hard. Fun inspires creativity and learning and we will not be afraid to fail, because when we failing, we will also learn. (Work Hard/Have Fun)
....and, lastly, we begin to ”build a language” that is known and understood by all. One way to “build a language” is to create “catch phrases.”
In this example we came up with 4 things to “BE” or practice...your family, of course, will come up with your own behaviors to focus on. We developed our practices out of the behaviors that we are looking for....
Servant Leadership Be passionate aka “pumped”
Godly attitude Be Positive
Respect & Kindness Be Present
Work Hard/Have Fun Be Productive
The main thing is to have fun with it! Make it catchy, age appropriate and easy to remember!
Notice that they all start with a “p” and they’re all actions/something to “BE.”
#3 “Be” (embody) your family’s culture
As the leader of your family, you have to embody the values, behaviors and practices that you expect to see in others...you are the DNA!
And then you have to help others to embody it too!
Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, said ”If you can’t energize others, you can’t be the leader.”
I know that it is tempting to think of our home as a place to relax and refresh, but we cannot relax in our responsibility to our home and family. Deuteronomy 11:18-21 reminds us that the Lord calls us to be diligent in teaching our children:
“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds, (live it & model it) tie them as symbols (provide visuals) on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them (teach with words) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.”
We parents need to model a life that is passionate about following Christ, provide visual images of what it looks like to be a Christ-follower, and teach God’s word with our words to our children. This is the high calling that is ours when we are given the gift of children. They are our treasure and deserve our best effort! They deserve our passion and our presence and our best attitude and effort!
